Phantom of the Soap Opera/Transcript
Act I Rex Salazar: In a world he never chose and barely understands, [Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene] one incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. [jumps into a lake scene] Forget train wrecks [punches], and car wrecks, [kicks] nothing brings the pain like this Rex. [runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.] Actor in costume: Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. Noah Nixon: Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. Rex: Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. Actor: Ah, dude? [Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.] [Opening intro] Noah: And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. [Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.] Noah: That's a closed set. [Noah pulls on his hair] C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! Rex: I got this. [pulls girls back from stage with turbines] I just don't get girls, how come they get so... [notices something behind Noah, acts all excited] Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? Noah: Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. Rex: It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. [crosses arms] Noah: Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. Rex: You mean like pages? [Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.] Noah: No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. [makes binocular with his hands] Head Page: You got that right bub. [Rex looks behind him, and jumps away] By the way Page, you lose something? [has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope] Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. [Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls] Head Page: [points to her left eye] I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. [On set of telenovela] Isabella: [Crying] Reymundo: Pensabas que yo era tu merida. Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermono diabolico de Reynaldo. Isabella: Yo se para todovia te amo. Rex: [standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen] How can anyone say that's not great! [Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah] Rex: Whoa? Celebrities know you? [There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.] Noah: The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. [Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.] Rex: Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. Noah: It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. Rex: Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... [drops tray] It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. [Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket] Noah: AHHH! Rex: I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... Noah: down at tray and jacket Ohhhhh... Rex: Okay, okay don't worry... Head Page: [yelling at another page behind Rex] You call yourself a page! Rex: Okay worry. [puts his fingers together] Noah: This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! Rex: No you're not. Come on, move! [They run to a supply closet.] Noah: I've gotta lead another tour in 45 minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in 45 minutes. Rex: This is my bad, but I can fix this. [Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating] We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. [Rex points at Noah] Noah, calm down! [Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.] Noah: Not helping. [Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.] Rex: Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? Noah: Uh ...yeah, I guess? Rex: Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. [Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.] [Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.] Rex: Uh... Isabella: Finally! You are here! Act II [Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.] Rex: This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? Isabella: Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. Rex: Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. Isabella: You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. [A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks] Beatriz: Is that our page? Rex: Uh... [Rex falls] Isabella: He's mine, I saw him first! [Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.] Isabella: He is mine!!! Rex: Hum? Beatriz: Why don't we let him decide? [Rex is being pulled back and forth] Isabella: You would like that wouldn't you? Beatriz: Yes I would! Very much. Isabella: Fine. [Girls growl at each other and walk away.] Rex: [grinning] Did they just cat-fight over me? [The girls come back with lists.] Isabella: Here is a list of what I need you to do! Beatriz: And here's mine! Rex: You want me to work on the show? Beatriz: Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. Rex: But I'm not ... [looks over the girls] ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. [Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.] Rex: I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. Isabella: You are dead to me! But I will take this one. [takes yogurt] [Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.] [Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.] Rex: Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? [offers him a mug of coffee] Reynaldo: Gracias. Rex: Leche? Reynaldo: How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. Rex: Uh OK, didn't know that. Sugar? [Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.] Reynaldo: Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? [Rex looks around and the phone rings.] Noah: Rex, where are you? Reynaldo: No phone! [Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.] You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! [grabs Rex's jacket] Rex: Hey wait what are you... [Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing] ...Oh, thanks! [Everyone runs up to them.] Beatriz: Not another accidente! Isabella: [scared] Ay. Dios mio! No! Rex: It's okay, I'm fine. Isabella: [pushes Rex down] My jogurt! Rex: I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up, [whispers to man though they look at him] Oh. [Reynaldo hands him the mop.] Beatriz: If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. Reynaldo: Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... [another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground] Aahh...Por que? Ay. [Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.] Rex: Ugh! Clowns. [The mongoose squeaks.] Rex: Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. [Mongo'' growls, bears teeth''] Rex: Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. [wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls] Rex: Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. [Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks] Rex: Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? [Mongo'' jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.] Rex: Wait, that's YOU, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. [''reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand] Rex: Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. [Mongo sets off another trap] Rex: Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] Beatriz: What's going on back there? Isabella: Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! Rex: [Getting thrown around back stage] Ouch. [gets beat up by mechanical clowns] [Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket] Rex: Ok, New plan. --First I smash your face, then I cure you. [Mongo knocks over equipment] Rex: No. [grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls] Oww! Look out! [Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set] Rex: Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. [last wall of stage set falls behind him] Beatriz: What are jou talking about? Isabella: We just saw you ruin our set. Reynaldo: You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... [looks at name badge] Noah Nixon. Rex: Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. 3 Actors: [Gasp] Reynaldo: [tears off his own shirt] Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! Act III [Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.] Noah: Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? Rex: Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? Noah: What? Why are you... Rex: No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? Noah: Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. Rex: Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. Noah: [sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear] Heh! Rex: Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my...YOUR name. Noah: You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. [Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.] Beatriz: [to Reynaldo] You are bleeding! Reynaldo: What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! [moans and falls on his face crushing a chair] Beatriz : You cannot go on. Isabella: If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. Rex: I'll do it!!! Reynaldo: You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe...BUT NO! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! Rex: So, is that a... Reynaldo: Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Reynaldo: Accion! [Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.] Rex: [thinking] Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! [groans] Nope. Doesn't make it any better. [Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him] Rex: [makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls] Where'd you go? Guy in suit: You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. Rex: Hey wait, I'm not... Guy: Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr....Nixon? Rex: No. Mr Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. [takes script, leaves] Guy: NIXON! [Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing] [Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley] Rex: Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? [Mongo growls and grows huge] Oh so you can do that too. [Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws] Rex: Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. [Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.] Guy in suit: [walks up] Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? [Rex runs off] Guy: NIXON! [points in other direction, Rex runs that way] [Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.] Rex: Hey, gimme that! [grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building] [Rex looks in the hole into the stage.] Rex: Sorry [runs off after Mongo] [Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.] Rex: I think this is for you. [runs after Mongo] [Phone rings] Noah: Did you catch it? Rex: Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. Noah: I am so dead. Lady with clipboard: [grabs Rex by the collar] Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your 2 p.m. tour. [Gives Rex clipboard and keys] Rex: [Driving tram with tourists] Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. [Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard] Tourist: They had better special effects at my kids' school play. [Back on soap opera stage] Reynaldo: I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! [Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.] [Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set] Reynaldo: Yes! That's it exactly! [Mongo growls] Rex: Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. [big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.] Rex: That's not the hand I meant. [Actors, stunned, applaud] [Rex picks up Mongo.] Reynaldo: You are a good page, Noah Nixon. [Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.] [At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket] Noah: Oh, my jacket! [Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.] [Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.] Head Page: I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. [He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.] Head Page: I'm proud of you kiddo! It took me 67 years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. [Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back] Head Page: Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. [they look at each other with puzzled frowns] [Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.] Reynaldo: And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. [Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.] Reynaldo: I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! [Noah smiles.] Rex: [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's OK, it's OK. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. Guy in suit: You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! [Rex runs off] Nixon!- [Mongo looking down from rafters] Category:Episode transcripts